Struggling Through This…

By Samantha McKenzie

The recent deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile have me struggling. The deaths of the slain officers in Dallas – Brent Thompson, Patrick Zamarripa, Michael Krol, Lorne Ahrens and Michael Smith – weigh heavy on my conscience. Micah Johnson’s death is equally tragic.

These are the casualties of war, in the war we pretend does not exist.

I struggled when I watched Diamond Reynolds’ video of the aftermath of the fatal shooting of her boyfriend. I admired her composure, her poise, her ability to stay calm. I recognized her strength. But her tears penetrated my soul.  Her screams still haunt me. The comforting words of her 4-year-old daughter stirred something in all of us.

These are the sounds we are all too familiar with – the tears, the weeping and the wailing.

I did what we all did. I worried. I prayed. I talked to those who would listen. I got silent, even reclusive. I contemplated staying home because who could focus? The fear was paralyzing. I struggled to make sense of this. I struggled to give my own children advice. My daughter headed to a local protest. My son reminded me that he wouldn’t be a hashtag. I struggled finding the thin line between right and wrong. It had become blurred.

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I struggled with praying because I didn’t want it to lull me back to sleep. I didn’t want the act of supplication to make me feel like there was nothing for me to do. To be honest, I didn’t want to ask God why? or why us? I waited a day or two out of respect.

I struggled too with jumping to conclusions, with finding that balance between hope and hate. I fought back the urge to toss out answers, or thinking too linear, or believing everything I’ve heard. I thought about possible solutions (almost shamefully) as families prepared to bury their loved ones.

Nelson-Mandela-quote-Choices-Fears

I struggled to write this. I hoped to find more hope.

I pray there’s a remedy for fear.

And yet, I’m still struggling…

 

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Shel says:

    Even though we do not understand…we must keep praying!

    Liked by 1 person

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